Of course I’m holding back. I’m insane, you idiot. Remember the other day when you told me I had pit stains? Well, I have cried every fifteen minutes on the half hour since you told me that. I am racked with self doubt, I have painc attacks, I’m claustraphobic, germaphobic, phobiaphobic, I talk to myself, I talk to my cats, I talk to three separate shrinks about the fact that often my cats respond to me in my mother’s voice. And, yesterday, when that stupid, pretty surgical nurse handed you a pair of latex gloves, I almost killed the guy who’s leg I was stitching up because I couldn’t stop thinking about the two of you having sex on a box of steaks. Why a box of steaks? Because my dad had an affair with a female butcher and, as I mentioned before, I am insane. There, I opened up. Are you happy?
i guess i could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world...sometimes i feel like i'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... and then i remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and i can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... you have no idea what i'm talking about, i'm sure. but don't worry... you will someday.
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- alone with everybody... -charles bukowski-...
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April
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Monday, April 19, 2010
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